A couple of months ago I had a distinctly new, foreign though pop into my head. What would the world be like if women were free to live their lives exactly as they wished? And I mean exactly as they wished. Not within the current frameworks and the limitations that these frameworks place upon us as women. And not by accepting the pseudo freedom sold to us. It is a lie. What I mean is starting over from scratch. Imagining a new world for women. Without any historical precedents in place, without societal, cultural or political pressures. Without gender conditioning. Without misogyny.

Can you imagine that? Can you imagine a world in which women define themselves?

How might things be different for women if they could erase all pre-conceived notions, all traces and expectations of womanhood, and start again? If they could wipe out all memories of misogyny and all definitions of the self based upon it. What would womanhood have been like if women’s lives had never been defined by men?

The thought was so exciting and so bizarre I simply couldn’t take it any further. The unlimited nature of the idea expands and contracts my mind at the same time, so much so that I can hardly think straight.

It is an impossible fantasy to have.

Right now I can barely imagine a future in which women don’t get exploited, taken advantage of, or hurt by men, let alone one in which we can thrive, or determine what or who we are and what we need. The last few days — leading up the confirmation of Brett Kavanaugh — have reminded us that rape culture is firmly entrenched in our society and that sexual predators are not only exonerated, but rewarded.

Is it irresponsible to talk about fantasy in a world gone so wrong, or should it be the basis for a new kind of womanhood? I’m so lost right now that I don’t know what to do. Every day feels like a battle within and without to be heard, a struggle to have basic rights and needs met, and I’m losing strength. A feminist utopia sounds like a lovely dream to escape into, but the fact that my mind can’t even open to it, can’t even begin to imagine what that might be, proves just how enslaved I am to this society and its notions of womanhood.

I am tired. I must keep fighting, but right now, I have no idea how to go on.

Do you?

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