Silence was my muse

Silence was my muse
She kept me bound
Stuffed a ball in my mouth
And covered it with tape
And when she removed them
After quite some time
I was still dead quiet
As I’d always been

Silence was my muse
She didn’t say a peep
She didn’t move a muscle
And being like her
I didn’t either
I stayed frozen and mute
I couldn’t even hear
The sound of my breath
My still-beating heart
Blood ringing in my ears
Good lord, was I dead?

Silence was my muse
But the real problem was
She didn’t say much
She didn’t say anything
I had to lip read
And pray for subtitles
A translator maybe
Some braille or a note
A key to decode
Her silent cypher

Silence was my muse
She sure had pluck
She told me to stay quiet
And to sit very still
With my knees clamped together
And my feet on the floor
To stay well stuck
And to shut the fuck up

Silence was my muse
She made me stuff my feelings
Deep down in my limbs
Like dry cotton wool
Or poly fibrefill
Crammed into my heart
The lovely good feelings
The ones that were warm
Now dead, cold and trapped
Suffocated inside
When you hide all the feelings
The good ones die too

Silence was my muse
And depression was her weapon
Depression her assistant
As soon as I wanted
To make music again
As soon as I felt whole
She swooped on in
With her sharp sickle scythe
And slashed me at the root
And left me to dry
She left me to die

Silence was my muse
She made my muscles seize
And my fertile mind freeze —
She whispered to me
So softly in my head
“Wouldn’t you, Melita
Much rather be dead?”

Silence was my muse
She stirred in me
Internal burning rage
Infernal boiling steam
And pressure building up
Violent anger fills this cage
While on the pristine surface
I am still —
I am
Mum
Dumb
Numb
I am your tabula rasa
Come write on me

Silence was my muse
She told me to pretend
To not tell a soul
Nobody wants to hear about
Your failed love, she said:
They will blame you
Laugh at you
Mock you and deride you
You know what they’ll say:
Stay together, stay together
This love though it kills me
I am tethered to you
Silence, she kills me

Silence was my muse
She cloaked me in fat
Like a greasy wax doll
She buried me alive
Covered me with debris
I forgot about my beauty
And everyone did too
No-one noticed me anymore
So that I could be
Enslaved to you

Silence was my muse
She said (in my head):
Your feelings don’t matter
Everyone else is struggling
You must be good
You must stay shtoom
You must look after them
I said to her:
“But when is it my turn?”
I play Best Actress
In a Supporting Role
But never the lead
I never ever win
The fucking Oscar

Silence is my muse
When I ripped off the band-aid
To reveal fresh pink skin
She covered it and smothered it
With salves that stung
And wrapped it in a bandage
So thick and so tight
I could barely feel myself
I felt so repressed
I couldn’t feel the newness
Couldn’t see the new life
My skin couldn’t breathe
And neither could I

Silence is my muse
She is jealous and subsuming
She wants me to kill
All the things that I love
So that I will be hers
To set into motion
The slow loss of you
The slow loss of us
And this is the coda
The very final bit

Silence is my muse
But the real question is
Why have I listened
To her for so long?
Shut up

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4 comments

  1. TheFeatheredSleep · September 1

    Absolutely brilliant

    Liked by 1 person

    • Melita Lara · September 1

      Thank you! 🙂

      Like

      • TheFeatheredSleep · September 1

        Glad to have found your blog you do Important and beautiful work

        Liked by 1 person

        • Melita Lara · September 1

          Thank you so much, that’s lovely and kind 🙂

          Like

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