I Christen Thee Asshole

I christen thee Asshole
You called me a slut, when I told you there had been others
And then punished me by treating me like one
A slut
A whore
A prostitute
For no money or benefit, mind you

Your sex slave
Your pin-up
Your fuck hole
Your porn star
Your girl-next-door
Your Penthouse centrefold
Your pretty blonde
Your blowup doll
Your high school sweetheart
All versions of me merely a vessel to shoot your cum into

I christen thee Asshole
I was the musician you wanted to be
But you were tone-deaf
Both to me and my ability
Nevertheless, I stroked your ego,
Let you sing to me
Off key
Play your guitar,
Always out of tune
You wouldn’t let me teach you how
Use my brain
My ears
My expertise and skill
It terrified you
That I existed to be anything but yours

I christen thee Asshole
One night
You stopped the car in the dark
And lectured me on how fat I was
How flabby and untoned
I was seventeen
All of 60 kilos at five-foot-seven
A slip of a girl
Golden-haired, green-eyed, milky-skinned
Not a cell, vein, spot, or hair out of place
So beautiful
The most perfect I’ve ever been

Yet you tried to break me down
Make me hate my body
Destabilise and shame me
So I’d forever be your captive
Your compliant sex slave
Grateful for your toxic attention

I christen thee Asshole
A bug once landed on a canvas you were painting
And you cut it in half with scissors
Deaf to my screams of horror
Impervious to its suffering
Your sadistic needs, as always, primary

I should christen thee Psychopath
But Asshole will suffice
I will say it thousands of times
Over the next 25 years
Your real name erased
Your identity subsumed
By the orifice that you truly are

I christen thee Asshole
You mailed me your semen
Wrapped in Glad Wrap
And expected me to consume it
I didn’t

I christen thee Asshole
For fucking me in filthy toilets
In the middle of busy parks
And in cars
And for coming on my chest
And not letting me wash it off
It dried and turned crusty and stank

I christen thee Asshole
You fucked other women
And lied about it
And hid it from me in plain sight
Like the time you reached across
And slyly fondled her hand
At the pub
Right in front of me
And when I saw it
You both laughed
As if it was funny somehow
And not cruel

And the time when you cheated on me
With a best friend from primary school
You tainted fond memories
Of joyous childhood friendship
Full of laughter and silliness
In one fell swoop you ruined it

I christen thee Asshole
And so did your own Mother
Towards the end of it all
When she found out what you’d done to me
She furiously drove me home
Drove me away from you
In a rage
After I found out about one more transgression
She spat venom about you the whole way home
Ashamed of you and angry

I christen thee Asshole
You punched holes in the walls
Of your home
And your parents patched them up
Like they patched over the problem
I gifted you a book at Christmas
About anger management
When your parents asked what it was
You showed them
Then berated me for giving it to you
For embarrassing you
For naming the problem
And for wanting to help you
We were all supposed to bury it
Your anger
Your violence
We were supposed to pretend it didn’t exist
I dodged a bullet
Back then, you only hit walls
My guess is
Now, you hit women

I christen thee Asshole
Because you were also an addict
And put me in danger
Driving me round
Stoned out of your mind
Taking me to dealers’ homes
Sitting there, desperately smoking
Getting your fix
And later, trying to fuck me
But unable to get it up
Laughing and limp instead
I was so relieved

I christen thee Asshole
And not Arsehole
Which is the way we write it here
Arsehole is somehow softer
More rounded
Slightly Comical
Asshole carries the full weight
The severity
The nastiness
The harshness
The selfishness
The arrogance
The cruelty
Of you

I christen thee Asshole
For not once asking
Is this ok?
Do you want this?
Do you want me?
For pushing me despite my reservations
For failing to care if I wanted it
For you wanted it
You wanted your sick fantasies
Your poseable doll
And that’s all that mattered
Me, compliant
Me, quiet
Me, a genie granting three wishes
Me, smiling and moaning while dead inside
Me, lying back and thinking of England
Me, wishing you would love and respect me, thinking sex was a gateway, the only gateway to love
Me, thinking that you did love me, that love and pain were intertwined, that women are meant to obey, but never command, let alone be equal
Me, not knowing how to say no, because nobody ever taught me how,
Except for that one time I did
Because I was so tired of it
I said NO
Yet you pushed, you coerced
I said NO
And you smiled with a twinkle in your eye
I said NO
We were in a public toilet
I said NO
You had been fucking other girls while I was away
And lying about it
And I wanted them gone
I wanted to be the only one
I said NO
And you said “oh… c’mon”
Over and over and over and over (whining)
“Oh, c’mon…”
I said NO
And you’d just had your hair cut short
And you looked so different
Like someone else almost
“Oh, c’mon…”
And you wouldn’t shut up
You wouldn’t shut the fuck up
And you went on, and on, and on, and on
So I said yes
Because you refused to hear NO
And we were alone
In a deserted bus depot toilet
And I was scared of you
But you wouldn’t hear me
And you didn’t care
And you didn’t respect me
And I was afraid you’d never stop
So I said yes
And I told myself that if I said yes then it couldn’t be rape, even though it was
So I said yes, but I meant no, and I’m certain you knew it
And the whole time you fucked me I pretended you were another man
Because your hair was so different
And I pretended to myself that I wanted you
Even though you were raping me

And I can still see you
And I can still smell you
And you smell like shit
Like cheap, common aftershave
You smell like an Asshole
Because that’s who you are
And 25 years on
I will never utter your real name
Because you don’t deserve one

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